I guess, I have a problem. A problem related to what I want to do and what I ought to do. Well, I'm searching... Looking in this vast universe the path that goes in sync with my persona. I do this, I do that. I want this but I also want that. Crap! What do I really want?
Nurse
I graduated as a nurse but never had a chance to practice the profession I tried to love for four years. Pero, baliktarin ko man ang sarili ko at magtambling-tambling, hindi ko talaga trip ang narsing.
Ok, so bakit ka pa nagnarsing Daphne Pearl?
It's like this po kasi, when I was 16, I also do not know what I really wanted. Since nursing is 'in' I went with the flow. Ayos? And now na grad at licensed na po, nagtry din po akong mag-apply. Natatangap naman po as mahiwagang VOLUNTEER sa mga hospital pero hindi po ako masaya eh... So, I did not dare attend the orientation. I can't commit myself to the things I can't, I really can't, stood by.
"Lord, make me appreciate the dignity of my high profession and its many responsibilities..."
I appreciated nursing and all those stories behind each encounter with a patient. The problem is, I am not happy.
Journalist
By heart, I know that I'm a writer. A writer, on the other hand, is different form a journalist. A writer writes in a wide range of topics. Not all writers are journalists. Journalism involves technicalities... bla2x... anu ba alam ko sa mundo ng mga manunulat e column at editorial lang naman alam kong isulat?
Daphne Pearl, marunong ka rin namang magsulat ng feature story ah? 'Di ba napapublish pa nga sa kung saan-saan na newspaper?
Yep, yes...Pero panu ang news?
Yun ang pinakamadali, yun pa ang di mo mamaster2x?
Gusto kong magtravel2x at mapicture2x sa mga lugar. At sa palagay ko, my life would be more exciting if I'm now affiliated to any publishing churva.
E Daphne Pearl, may nag-offer naman ng work ah? Bakit 'di mo tinanggap?
I'm not confident at gusto ko ring maging doktor. Crap! Puro ako gusto... And the problem is, I'm attached to ideals and aspirations. Doktor
Ambisyosa? Nope. Trip lang... Gusto ko rin eh. Hmmm... I worked for this and it already cost me a little. I'm doing my best for this. The only prob for this is... CHARAN!!!
FINANCES.
So Daphne Pearl, sino ang magpapaaral sa 'yo kung sakaling palarin ang isip mo na magdecide na as in super sure na papasok ka na talaga sa medskul?
Bahala na po si Batman!
I believe since then with this: "One single dream is enough for a thousand negative realities."
Dream mo bang maging doktor?
Oo! Hindi! O baka, oo...
Anu ba talaga gusto mo?
HINDI KO ALAM.
I don't know what I really wanted to do... This is a great problem.
I bought a planner with me to put in order the unorganized days I have. I am in a trance at a moment, so deeply lulled by the reverie of being an unemployed professional. I also feel being left behind and I am constantly fighting the pangs of idleness. At times, I welcome the thought that I am so unfortunate. That is, considering the fact that I’m still not able to practice the profession that took me four years to attain.
Nonetheless, it is my choice among the options. I chose not to work for an ample of time and by this, I get to learn more about myself. Trying something new and learning the skills I can’t get to master while I’m “busy” is my new leisure pursuit. I have my own time, my own schedule, and I’m not committed nor oblige to follow any superior. Honestly, it is luring and I’m getting comfortable with this kind of life. The only set back though is suffering form poverty.
Recently, I get to read an article about the “parasite singles” and Japan’s economy. It focuses on the young adults aged between 15-34 and new expression associated to them – freeters. Freeters, according to Wikipedia, are people of the age I mentioned who lack full-time employment or are unemployed. Moreover, freeters are classified into three groups, the moratorium type that wants to wait before starting a career, the dream pursuing type, and the no alternative type. Both the moratorium and dream pursuing type chooses not to work but enjoy life at the moment and hope to start a carrier later in life. The no-alternative type, on the other hand, cannot find work after leaving school or university. This has an impact on Japan’s economy and corporate culture for hiring and employment practices may be altered. Their employment system may change putting more emphasis on skills rather than on tenure.
I can fall in the no-alternative type. I graduated a nurse, took the board exam, and became a registered nurse. I worked part-time in DSWD and I applied in various on-line jobs. But when will I work as a nurse with pay? Again, let me lament on the pathetic situation of new nurses here in the Philippines. MOST OF US ARE WORKING WITHOU PAY. Aren’t we exploited? I don’t have a choice but work in a different field which is miles away from my degree qualification – just to earn a little income to clothe and feed myself.
In addition, I believe that like me, most of the freeters still do not know what they really wanted. I am not sure if I am meant to be nurse. Freeters might be in the point of suiting themselves in the new environment and opening their eyes in the world of struggle. Or maybe, they can be in the state of comprehending responsibility and not really in the trance of accepting it. Or maybe, they would rather stay at home fed by their parents rather than marry someone and feed his own family. Whatever the reasons are…
My sister made me do a reaction report regarding freeters. I wrote something in favor for them, their personal development and how they somehow contribute to the development of Japan’s economy. And there I went, thinking of the pleasure of being a freeter and the raw freedom they contain. Imagine one need not work eight or ten hours straight. One also works part-time, leaving the company if bored or if no longer interested in the work - youngster jumping from company after company and searches job after a different job.
The advantage of being a freeter is having a freedom of choice, pursuing other dreams, and gaining the pleasure of hobbies. I’m enjoying it now.
My hands are trembling while I’m trying to figure out how my diminutive courage can bring me in front of many people. Taking snaps in front of many people is the weakness I yet to overcome. I’m there inside Jaro Cathedral, clad in blue blouse holding the camera I’m just learning to manipulate. It was the blessing and unveiling of St. Josemaria’s, portrait there. The event seemed too historical, seemed too big for the founder of Opus Dei, who came from Spain is now in Iloilo. The responsibility of taking pictures seemed a little challenging. I paused for few minutes and prayed.
On Prayer and Beliefs
I prayed. Since when did I learn how to pray? I learned it in my childhood from my Lola and with my young mind; she made me understand its importance. But as I grew, I failed to note its significance and valued different things. I can succeed without prayer. I can achieve many things without prayer. I am happy without prayer.
From the time I entered a university, my mind was conquered by agonistics. Slowly, I became “pseudo-atheist”. Does a deity or any form of supernatural being exist? I kept on asking that to myself. What’s the use of performing all the traditional practices that Spanish brought to the Philippines? More so, I find mass boring. I find all the conventional Catholic practices tedious and uninteresting. I loathed the lamentations of priests and religious sectors regarding social issues. Part of my mindset was influenced by my father who only believes in doing “good” to others and that “good” is enough. One need not attend to mass or merely pray as long as he does “good”. From then, my spirit was devoured by wrong beliefs caused by lack of information and shallow understanding of Catholic rituals.
Getting Closer to God
My life was changed when two women by the name of Ruth and Cherry came to our house. My sister brought them there. I was captured by their cheerfulness and simplicity. They then invited me to visit Tawili. At first I was reluctant for my busy schedule as a graduating student seemed too much to bear. I visited Tawili anyway and got a little glimpse of the Catholic institution founded by St. Josemaria. From then on, a subtle transition occurred in my life.
By constantly attending the classes, I get to learn more about certain ascetical and doctrinal topics – things I do not get to understand while growing up. I attended the doctrine classes on Saturdays. It happened. Slowly, I got closer God. From then, my life as a rebel changed. Through the spiritual directions and basic formation, I get to know more about myself and how disturbed my interior life is.
Tawili turned me on. The simplicity, cleanliness, and orderliness of the center are really admirable. Moreover, the girls there are very accommodating and their expertises in their field of endeavors are commendable.
Reluctance and Erudition
I considered myself an open-minded and intellectually liberated women and I find it hard to accept the belief of Catholic Church regarding the RH Bill. There are arguments in my mind regarding their strong opposition on this issue. The qualm is left unsolved not until I got to understand the Catholic doctrine. Yes, like others, I often ask myself: How dare these people resist such bill created for the improvement of quality of life? The virtue of temperance and purity is especially considered in the fight for halting its legalization. I learned the essence of procreation and what it is intended for through Opus Dei.
At this modern time, sexual revolution is very evident and I used to believe that this liberates us. We have our beliefs and the will to do whatever we wanted for we own our bodies. Later, I just realized that this revolution does not liberate us but instead it tends to exploit and enslave us – especially women. Blessed be Philippines for abortion is not yet legal but those who does this deceitful act is bound to suffer not only physically and emotionally but also spiritually. Furthermore, the contraception that the lawmakers are forcing to utilize is bound to go between relationships deign to fall due to lack of responsibility and commitment.
Changes
My life will not be exactly the same had I not known Saint Josemaria and his teachings. A new convert like me also falls to lukewarmness. I become very enthusiastic at times but later become indolent in doing my responsibility as a Catholic. My friends in Opus Dei helped me with this. With their help, my interior life is cultivated. More so, who would believe that a woman, a non-believer, is now teaching Catechism to children in slums?
Saint Josemaria’s philosophy of turning the work or any activity into occasion of growing closer to God taught me to avoid mediocrity, which is my fad. Everything done is for God and what is poorly achieved is an unwell offering to Him. All the talks, meditations, and classes contain essential Christian principles, which I’m trying to incorporate with my dealings and actions.
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It was Febraury 14, 2010 Archbishop Angel Lagdameo, officiated the unveiling and blessing of St. Josemaria’s relic and portrait. Families and priests related to Opus Dei came to witness the event. And this event will forever be remembered – especially by me. Most of the photos I took was washed out, granulated, and blurred but still, that day will never be forgotten.
